Repurposed...Indefinitely :)

So my hiatus from blogging has been twofold --- number 1, I cannot find the time in the day!!!! And I HATE when people use their busy-ness as an excuse or a means of communicating how important they are, so please be assured I'm not doing that. Any time I have that I'm not at work or meeting about work, I am sleeping. And my second reason being I have been going through a phase of life that I didn't want to publish on the world wide web until it was absolutely official --- girlfriend's got a new job!!!


This is an accurate graph of how I have been feeling:

I didn't get groceries or do laundry for like 3 weeks. Mercy. You can't keep that up for long.


Changing jobs is a soul-searching, mind-boggling venture. I can't remember a time when I wasn't stressed about this and I'm still nervous that I'll never feel settled in a workplace ever again. So I'm in this spectacular season of transition that is absolutely requiring me to trust and have faith that God has got my back in all of this.


Let me take you back a few months.....

I started this little gem of a Bible Study.....

This study is all about being on a journey -- and it takes you through the Psalms of Ascent. Which I then discovered are the pslams that the jewish people read as they traveled to Jerusalem each year. It's all about what journey you are on, and where God is going to take you next. I have learned not to mess around with God. So at the start of this study I prayed for God to take me to where I'm supposed to go next, and I prayed for strength to be obedient and wisdom to know what all this might look like. Man I love Him. He watches out for me.

A job opening came up with another company and I applied for it. It was for an entry level position and I had enough experiences to think I might have a chance at it. After speaking with the representative, she recommended I speak with another person about an additional position that they are hiring for at the time. Long story short, they offered me the top position they were hiring for, at a competitive salary. YAY!! I've never been more scared in my life. But I prayed for this right?? Now that I have the new job, all I have to do is quit the old job. Sweet mercy. This was harder than I thought. I had given my two weeks notice in my head probably 1000 times. Particularly at holiday when things are crazy. When the actual time came, I was incredibly sad.

After resigning from New York and Company my boss came back to me two days later with another job offer. She told me about a position at our corporate offices in the communications department. It was also 8-5, monday through friday --- it's just in New York City. I told her I was interested and spent the rest of the morning talking to recruiters from the city about options like having movers take my stuff or shipping it and just flying there to meet it. She talked me through a lot of the details and set up a time for me to fly to New York the next week to meet with the team and look around the city for a place to live.


I spent the next 48 hours obsessed with the craigslist apartment/room share pages and probably looked at 100 apartments. In Manhattan? Out of Manhattan?

Subway or train? 2,000 dollars a month for a tiny studio? Or 1,500 a month to share a 2 bedroom with a stranger? How long can I go without knowing anyone in the city and not having any close friends before I go crazy?

Saturday mornings at the street bazaar on the Avenue of the Americas or Omaha at the Farmers market with my friends?

I read every blog about how to move to the city and not lose all your money or all your sanity. I found websites that tracked your walking time from place to place in the city and I searched times from my office to the different apartments I was considering. I thought about how much I'm ready for the next phase of my life, and how I hope that includes a nice man. And how my odds of meeting this man are at least mathematically greater in NYC due to the bagillion dudes that live there. You know?  And at the end of the day, how many opportunities does a person get to live in New York City, and regardless of all this can I pass up this chance?


I took the weekend to think about it and by Monday morning I had lost my voice, probably from stress, or probably from singing my little heart out at the 4 easter services :)


Do I want this life?

Or do I want to be around to go to family dinners at holidays and be with my friends and watch this little guy grow up?

I prayed all weekend that the answer would be obvious to me. That God's will would be clear and that I would not be afraid to follow it ---whatever that looked like.

And on Monday the answer was quite clear. The fact that I had no voice really challenged me to think about how much I had been talking about all this change, and how I hadn't taken a solid chunk of time to just pray about it. I've prayed and thought about it constantly, but I was quick to pick up the phone when I was nervous instead of getting on my knees.

I got a call from the New York offices and the hiring team unanimously determined that this job and I were not a great fit. It was going to be a lot of data entry and not a lot of human-interaction. That's not me....and that was pretty obvious to everyone apparently. The woman who would have been my direct supervisor said that she couldn't with a clear conscience, totally uproot my life and move me to a different city for a job that I might not love. I told them that I felt so lucky to have been a part of an organization that considered me as an individual and not just a person to fill a spot. The recruiter asked me "So are you ok with  how this is ending?" And at the time I agreed with everything we had discussed and told her I completely understood how all decisions had been made. But for the rest of the day her question kept going through my head. Am I ok with this ending? Oh my gosh. This is ending. The job that I'm totally comfortable with, that I have seniority within my market, that I have made a name for myself within the company, with people that I dearly dearly love??? No I'm not ok with that!??!!? And I cried for the rest of the day. So picture my sad voiceless self, laying in bed, watching a non-sad movie, weeping uncontrollably. I recovered, but I have to assume these moments of doubt and sadness will happen every once in awhile. Ok...every 30 minutes probably.

I was challenged to make a list of all the reasons I'm making this job change so that in moments of doubt I could look back at them and affirm my desire to make a big change in life. 
*I’m making this change for a schedule that allows me to spend time with friends and family
*I decided to come work here for an opportunity to learn new skills.
*I have a lot of good things to offer this company.
*I want to think about Christmas approaching and not instantly associate the feeling with dread.
*I want to work with men. (I know this sounds weird, but I haven't had a male co-worker in 7 years)
*I want to work in an office setting
*I want to have more time on the weekends to meet someone. I would like to have just a prayer of a chance at a normal dating life. (I like to blame my lack of success on scheduling restrictions at the old job. I'm sure that's been the problem)
*I want to know that I can do it. I'm afraid of change and I want to know that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.

Here's the most amazing part of all :) --- Each week in the bible study, you would journal a phrase that you thought God was trying to tell you based on the psalm you were reading. Here's how mine looked at the end of the study:

Psalm 120: This is just the beginning
Psalm 121: I've got your back, Beth
Psalm 122: Be purposeful in Omaha, NE
Psalm 123: I covered all "that" in grace
Psalm 124: I am on your side, Beth
Psalm 125: The Lord has been GOOD to you
Psalm 126: Get ready for armloads of blessings
Psalm 127: Without me? You will only be frustrated.
Psalm 128: Be fruitful
Psalm 129: KEEP GOING!
Psalm 130: Forgiveness, Redemption, and HOPE
Psalm 131: I meet all your needs, Beth
Psalm 132: I can do even better than that for you!
Psalm 133: You are supported, loved, and ready for this.
Psalm 134: Don't forget why you came here....

With these words of confirmation and hope backing me, how can I fail?? 

One of the last statements in the study has really stuck with me.

"Stepping up sometimes means stepping out. God is telling you that the time has come for you to finally take that step of faith you've wrestled over and prayed about long enough."

For me, this looks like a job change, not a location change. I don't feel ready, but I've got a tiny bit of faith that will carry me through this time of transition.

But.....

I'll always love you New York.....