Week 24 --- Psalms 18:24

"God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes"

I've been thinking a lot about our memories and what that looks like through the perspective of scripture. I was sitting on my friend's porch a couple weeks ago--- having a mini-breakdown if I remember correctly--- :) but I was just pouring out my heart and all the things that I was upset about and all the things that were so painful to even talk about that just made me cry on the spot. I started telling her about a movie I had seen called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind ... I included the preview here for you, which after watching it I decided is much creepier than I remembered. I'm going to hit the highlights that were impactful to me if you don't make it through the whole clip...

The idea of the movie, is that people pay someone to erase their memories that are just too painful to bare. The main character goes through a difficult end to a relationship and decides the memory of it is not worth it. As i was sitting on my friend's porch that night, I choked out the admission that if this was a real thing, i think I would do it. When I was driving home that night, the only thing on my mind that I regretted saying was that statement. It gave me this panic, unease, and unsettled feeling to have said those words outloud. I kept thinking about why it gave me so much guilt to say those words and I think it is because deep down I believe that God uses every single instance in our lives to draw us closer to Him and to reveal himself to us. For me to say I want you to take any of those moments away, would be to doubt his purpose and presence in my life through those difficult times.

Later that week I was driving downtown in my car, and the song Blessed Assurance came on the radio. "This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Saviour all the day long" Now that's what I'm talking about. What is my story? I know it's so far from perfect, but it is also so far from being done. :) I want people to look at my life -- even the messy, painful parts --- and see Christ as being the author and perfector of my story. I want to be able to tell people that to have missed even one of those memories where Jesus provided strength in a difficult time, would have been a huge loss. I love hearing Beth Moore talk about the heritage she's taught her daughters they have -- she talks about making sure they want the relationship with Christ that she has found. "To miss this part of my life, would be to miss everything" Isn't that a statement?!

This verse talks about God re-writing the text of our lives when we open the book of our hearts to his eyes. Oh I want to let Him! I think there's really two parts here -- he does the writing and we do the opening. We both have a part.

So back to my original statement of really questioning what to do with some of the painful memories that are included in the text of my life. I've been praying about this quite a bit. I know that these things are part of my story, but I don't know what to do when recalling them makes me sad. I remembered studying something last summer that was along these lines so I looked it up again. The author told us to read Psalm 103 and take away the statement of "forget not God's benefits..."

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my
inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and
forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins and heals
all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you
with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good
things so that your youth is renewed like
the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the
oppressed.

She then told us that as we recall our memories, to assign one of God's benefits to that particular time in our lives. Whether He's forgiving us, redeeming us, satisfying us ---- whatever that looked like in our life at that point in time, to forget not that benefit. I figure at this point I'll try anything. :) And it can't hurt right??

(This should be the last of my onslaught of blog posts. I think i am caught up.)

Week 23 --- Luke 11:13

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

I've decided to start praying that God will show me who He is through blessings and good things for a little while. Not forever, but just for a season I would like to discover more about Him through that route. I'm not even talking Prayer of Jabez, increase my territory business --- I just feel like God has revealed himself to me in difficult circumstances and I would like to also find him in the goodness of life. Above all else, I want to learn to submit to His will for me in any circumstance, however I know he doesn't mind if I ask, so I'm gonna :)

Over the past few weeks, I've tried to be conscious of the good things that I have in my life. This list is by no means all-inclusive, but the things that I find myself loving about life on any random day. I think these really are the lesser of what's described in the verse above. I think that the verse implies that if I consider these to be good gifts, how much more will the Father be willing to give the Holy Spirit to me. I learned a lot about the Holy Spirit a couple summers ago, and I think it's important to note that we just have to ask to be filled with Him. "Lord, empty me out of all my garbage, junk, sin and baggage. Here are the things that hurt me today, the things that people have said that I can't forget, and the nasty things that I've been thinking that I feel guilty about. Now that we've created some room, fill me with your Spirit, I don't deserve it but you offer it and I love you and thank you."

Some of my Good Things, that overwhelmly turned out to be people:

1) My friend that will put me in the car and take me out of town when I need it. The same friend that lets me sleep at her house and cry on her porch. The friend that is the sister of my heart, what a good gift.

2) My friend that asks the hard questions --- "When was the last time you showered? When are you getting out of bed?" Things like that that seem difficult after a break up or crisis that I don't want to answer, but probably should. This is the same friend that shows up with short people jokes and witty sarcasm after a bad date vs ice cream or chocolate. I love her.

3) My mom that gives me the Laurie-badge every day of my life. Her vote of confidence makes me feel like I can do it.

4) My friend that has watched how life has changed me in the last 2 years. My friend that talks things through with me, and let's me try out my thoughts as they occur to me. My friend who is quick to point out scripture and what that means for my situations.



5) My friend who makes the best comfort food ever. Do you know that she makes me milk and cookies whenever I want? And is quick to tell me how much she appreciates me. Such a gift.



(this is really her ... she has an awesome bakery.)


6) My friend who I have spent less than 3 hours with in person, but knows my heart and my history. She is my modern day pen pal and such an illustration of God's redeeming power in any circumstance.




7) My boss who told me several year ago that I am going places. Big places. And when I get there, she wants to be able to tell people that she is so proud to have gotten to be the person that helped me get there. My other boss who is many states away but who asks me about Bible Study and ministry. They are the women who exemplify leadership in my life and I am blessed to have found them in a most unlikely field. Gifts.



8) My big chair and coffee with good creamer.



9) The book of Esther. The feeling that it is God's word, living and active in me. The little ribbon in my Bible that tugged at my heart when I moved it out of this portion of scripture.



10) My realtor. I know that's random, but God put this Christian man in a position to speak truth to me at just the right time. I will recommend him to any potential home-buyer for life. :)




11) My church family. The group of people that I am going through life with --- they are flawed and human, but I could not ask for a more wonderful, loving, persistent, community of believers.

13) My Dad who sends me flowers and takes me to lunch. I've never wondered for one single minute of my life if my Dad is proud of me, he tells me all the time.

I wrote on a notecard last week, "God, that I would never trade this feeling of intimacy for whatever idea I had of happiness."

Week 22 --- Romans 5:1-8

So I've been thinking about the title of this blog and how I bet it's semi-confusing to people. I saved this blog address and title several years ago and hadn't done anything with it for a long time. Mrs. Potter's Lullaby is my favorite song by the band Counting Crows, and possibly one of my favorite songs of all time. The background behind the lyrics of this song are that the lead singer saw the movie Patch Adams and fell madly in love with the actress Monica Potter. He went home from the theater that night and wrote this song. I love it because it's everything about him that he wants her to know --- a completely genuine attempt to put everything out on the line for her in hopes that she will talk to him. They end up meeting, and dating, and breaking up in the real life --- the story behind it all is pretty cool.

The different lines of the song really hit me at different points in my life. This past week, this stanza is particularly on my mind:

"Well, there's a piece of Maria in every song that I sing And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything"

Maria is his first love, and he unapologetically explains that pieces of her are part of his story. I'm sure I over-analyze a lot of the verses of this song, but I don't really care. If I can find a blessing in something, I'll take it! :)

So I've been thinking about this song in terms of my life, and if I had to tell someone I was trying to convince to date me, everything about me that they needed to know and I wanted to tell them, I would pick Romans 5 as a starting point. I think it was last summer that I really started to get what this verse means. For awhile my little green purse Bible fell open to this section of scripture on its own since I was reading it so much. I think the part about being hemmed in by troubles always catches my attention, but it also offers so many ways that God uses those troubles. You can't lose. So awesome.

1-2By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
6-8Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

I'm still pondering in my heart a lot of the things that have happened in my life over the past few weeks. I'm excited to share some things that I learned. I am blessed to be able to say that I'm starting to really feel the part of this scripture that says "We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise."

Finding myself standing where I always hoped I might stand,

Beth

Week 21 --- 1 Samuel 7:12

Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!”


I love this scripture. Anything with an illustration always helps me understand. I made my own Ebenezer stone to give to my dad for Father's Day. I feel like my family has a lot of changes coming up, and what a great reminder that up to this point, the Lord has helped us! --- why would he not continue to?

I was thinking about the phrase, 'up to this point'...and it really made me want to go back and look at the past a little. A couple summers ago a friend really challenged me on the issue of trust. I was struggling with fear and anxiety, and she said I should go through and write out my "even if" statements. Basically identifying the things that I was afraid of and then writing out that even if this happens, I will still trust the Lord. I looked at the journal entry that I wrote three years ago, and it just broke my heart that every single thing I wrote has happened. They weren't huge life altering things, just the small worries that never went away.

07/12/08

God I will trust you even if no one chooses me
God I will trust you even if I am in retail forever (this one makes me smile today)
God I will trust you even if the people I love, love other people
God I will trust you even if all of my friends have babies, even if I don’t
God I will trust you even if I’m scared
God I will trust you even if I fall asleep alone every night

Oh it just makes me tear up!!! But what a blessing to know for sure that God is bigger and stronger than my fears. Up to this point the Lord has helped me. What a blessing to know that I will still trust even when my life is difficult. I have decided that sacrifice is such a priviledge. I feel like God is asking me to sacrifice the picture/idea I have of home, in exchange for the work that He wants to do for the kindgom through my Dad. And my response is that I'm all in. :) I was hesistant and a little angry at first, but now I know for sure that when faced with that question, I pick Jesus and His ministry first. Always.

God is doing so much in my heart I could just burst. I feel like I have a lot to say. More to come. :)

Weeks 19 & 20 --- Jeremiah 1:19, Revelation 19:11-16

So my whole life I have had this obsesssion/crush/fascination with Robin Hood. :) Not sure where this stemmed from, but since i was a little kid it has been my favorite movie. I used to think it was the romantic part where Robin Hood rescues Maid Marion that was what drew me to the story, but the more I think about it, there are tons of romantic movies that haven't stuck in my head like this one does. So I went to see the new Robin Hood movie, starring Russel Crowe, and I think everyone either teased or seriously questioned me on whether or not my loyalty to Kevin Costner Robin Hood would still be genuine if I entertained the thought of enjoying this new movie... kind of funny. So I went....

And again, I LOVED it. I decided I like any movie where there are people riding horses, fast, to save someone or something, set to dramatic music. I almost can't stand it i like it so much. So this got me thinking that the concept of people doing whats right, at any cost, to serve others is what gets me. This might seem like a stretch, but I think that's where it comes from. Especially when its a guy. How attractive. Yikes.

So this has lead me to a few verses that I've been thinking about the last few weeks. How Christ is our rescuer and how he would go to the ends of the earth just to get me back. There are verses that speak to this everywhere but here are a few i've been thinking through.

Jeremiah 1:19

They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

Revelation 19:11-16
The Rider on the White Horse

11I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. 12His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. 13He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. 14The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. 15Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron scepter."[a] He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. 16On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:

KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

Doesn't that just give you chills??? The ultimate horseback riding scene is in scripture and I feel like we get to see this someday! I might not be able to contain myself. Just some thoughts. :)