Spiritual Crash Dieting

I've been thinking a lot about dieting this past week. I got dressed for work on Tuesday and really liked how I felt in my skirt and top and this has brought on the following train of thought...

Let me take you back....

I am all about crash dieting. I know it's wrong, and people really question it when I do it, but I get results. I like it quick and dirty. Why stretch something out for a month when I can accomplish it in 5 days??? I put absolutely no value in how many pounds I weigh. I would say I haven't stepped on a scale in probably 7 years. I hate the number. Most of the time I feel pretty confident about how I look. I'm comfortable with the size I wear and I really like my shape and proportions. I think the actual number of how many pounds I weigh is waaaaay more than how I feel, so why on earth would I want to keep tabs on that??? I do not. So I judge my dieting and success of weight loss by how my clothes fit. I can tell when the waistband feels a little looser and that's when I've hit my mark. When I crash diet, it is never to establish a new lifestyle, it's just to drop some weight so I feel better in my current size. P.S. my method is nothing fancier than total elimination of carbohydrates and sugar. Simple as that.

So that's a little background on how I have operated in the past. This past month I have been at my new job -- which has been a lifestyle change as I am now sitting at a desk.

I used to run around the store all day, thus keeping my energy levels higher and burning more calories. I have been terrified to gain weight because of my new sedintary role.

pic I took for my mom to show her my suit --- SUIT UP!

So to prevent that, I've been exercising. A lot. I go the gym several nights a week and work out and have actually been enjoying it. Plus, now that I don't run around at work all day, I actually have energy to go work out and it has been wonderful. I've been making pretty good eating choices, but still indulging on sweets and stuff pretty frequently.

So back to this past Tuesday when I got dressed and liked how I felt in my outfit --- I did it without crash dieting, it had to have been the exercising???? Not only did I feel thinner, I felt stronger. I did it the right way. Which is so darn encouraging that now I want to be even more active.

So I had a rough week emotionally this past week which got me thinking....

Oh my goodness......I am a Spiritual Crash Dieter.............. Crap.

I wait til things get a little rough or a little out of hand, and then I freak out and try to quickly make up for my excess. I'm not saying this is all bad. I know exactly what podcasts, what verses, and what songs will instantly encourage me and I go straight to those. But why do I wait til my soul is bone dry and then try to dump so much inspiration on it to try and make up for it?

I'm learning from exercise. It's a slow and steady process of working a muscle. Now my muscles are sooooo far from perfect, but there's some strength in my arms that wasn't there before. Strength that would never come from a crash diet.

What does my soul feel like when I feed it with a steady and consistent stream of scripture and worship over a long period of time versus a quick weekend of great podcasts???

Here's the other thing about exercise --- it hurts. My arms, legs and abs still hurt after I work out. Not as much as they used to, but there's still some tenderness as I stretch them and try to make them do more. I think there might be some similarities in our walk with God. Sometimes getting stronger and more secure in the Lord takes you through some painful processes. I get that. Oh do I get that. I think I get frustrated with that more than anything else. I assume that once I learn something or go through something I shouldn't have to deal with that again,. The pain should be done. But it's a continual process of God strengthening a specific set of muscles that you are going to need for something. I'm pretty sure.

So I think my very honest question of the day is this..... when does it stop hurting?? And I don't really know the answer to that. I know that God's plan is sovereign and I know that He loves me more than anything, and I know that he would never waste any sort of pain, so in the end it's all going to work out--- But in the meantime? I think for me that answer to this question is in my response. If I would stop fighting Him and start trusting Him, I would feel a lot less dissappointment and discouragement when my own plans don't work out.

“Because of this, in fact, I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, because I know the one in whom my faith is set and I am convinced that He is able to protect what has been entrusted to me until that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12 The NET Bible

Love you all! have a great week!! --Beth

I hate insurance. I hate fees of any kind. I hate it when the bottom of my pants gets wet when it rains. I hate the Taliban. I hate people that don't call. I hate watching people hurt. I hate that I rarely finish a carton of milk before it spoils. I hate that I don't know more about finances. I hate dissapointment. I hate that my dishes are so out of hand right now, I haven't had clean forks for a week.

I'm thankful for Waffle Cone Wednesday. I'm thankful for best friends. I'm thankful for co-workers I can laugh with. I'm thankful for a boss who didn't communicate with me for a month, but told me today he's proud of me. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for finding a job I like that I'm good at. I'm thankful for my killer triceps that I've been working diligently on. I'm thankful for impulse buys on Amazon over my lunch break. I'm thankful for random songs on my ipod that pop up at just the right time. I'm thankful for wind on the trail while I'm running. I'm thankful for new days. Particularly tomorrow being a new day.

good night friends :)

***I guess I forgot I started writing this 2 weeks ago??? So I just added on my thoughts from today at the end :)

My meaning of the last chapter of my Psalms of Ascent journey was this:


"Do not forget why I brought you here"


Do not forget why I brought you here. I've been thinking about this a lot the past week as I've been working out my notice at my job.


The goal of the people that made the journey to Jerusalem throughout these Psalms was to get there to worship God in His temple.


I think it's hard for us not to get caught up in ourselves when we accomplish something. Even when we know God is the one who has brought us through, we are quick to credit ourselves in doing the work. Throughout the process of changing jobs, I do feel like I have been quick to acknowledge God's provision in opening the right doors and closing the wrong ones -- but at the end of the day I'm trying to really focus on why He did all that for me. It was to bring me to a new place to worship Him.


I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past week and a half. Particularly during the episode of the Office this week. I had no business watching that. A normal person might tear up just a little. Not me. Tears running down my face --- and me trying to be cool and not wipe them away to down play the situation, resulting in tears running down my neck ---- all this to say it really got to me. Just a little too close to home. It's possible God spoke to me through Jim Halpert as something he said ran through my mind this whole week. Michael is getting ready to leave and he says "It's just so sad, am I making a mistake by leaving" and Jim replies "Absolutely not."

****and here we are today.... :)

I've now been in the new job for 2 weeks, and it has been great for the most part. It's a lot of adjustments -- new people, new schedule, new expectations, new routines. It hasn't been too bad, but I think the honeymoon period is ending and I'm ready to just know what I'm doing again.

I'm trying to remember the last Psalm whenever I want to complain --- do not forget why I brought you here. He's brought me here to discover a new place to praise Him, and I don't want to miss that.

I never thought a lot about what I wanted to "do" when I grew up. Even into my college years I didn't worry about it too much, I just always wanted to be a wife and a mom more than anything, and didn't put much thought into an actual trade or occupation. I've struggled with this over the years, because it's a hard realization when you discover that whatever job you choose to do, is at best your 2nd choice.

But I'm starting to really see the value in my 2nd choice. I've had so many amazing opportunities through my jobs, and I've been priviledged to work with some of the most dynamic leaders in the world. It's so humbling when I think of how much respect I have for my past boss, and how much that person that I thought was so amazing, chose to teach, mentor and guide me. Without even knowing it --- she has furthered the kingdom of God by helping me learn skills that have helped me minister and speak to others. I love how God worked like that. In my new role, I get to help people discover ways they can enhance and improve their leadership skills. What a privilege I have to help people learn ways then can lead others more effectively. I am blessed and excited and terrified. What an undertaking.

I've been thinking about how if I'd gotten married when I was in my early twenties like I had planned --- how much of this I would have missed. All the things about my personality and my own leadership story that maybe never would have happened if I hadn't experienced life over the past 7 years. The testimony that I now have of God's redemption and grace that I hold so close to my heart-- I wouldn't trade it for anything.

When I sum up the past 2 weeks, and the past 20 years in my mind, and think of the phrase "do not forget why I brought you here" I am so full of gratitude and love for Jesus and my heavenly father. He knows what He's doing and I'm so lucky to get to be a part of it.

It's been such a peaceful day. I'm loving the Saturdays off. It's such a wonderful feeling when the natural resting place of your face is a smile. I spent my Friday with two of my best friends in this life and we ate fried delicious food, made one particularly extravagant footwear purchase, and watched a somewhat raunchy movie together. Today I went to the farmer's market and loaded up on all kinds of great stuff for the week, went to a workout class called "hustle" (which was exactly like it sounds) and spent the afternoon wrapped up in a quilt, listening to Iron and Wine (what you are enjoying listening to right now), watching old movies and sipping coffee and eating a chocolate croissant (from the market this morning). Lovely.

I'm so thankful for weekends, and new jobs, and grace, and 2nd choices....

Repurposed...Indefinitely :)

So my hiatus from blogging has been twofold --- number 1, I cannot find the time in the day!!!! And I HATE when people use their busy-ness as an excuse or a means of communicating how important they are, so please be assured I'm not doing that. Any time I have that I'm not at work or meeting about work, I am sleeping. And my second reason being I have been going through a phase of life that I didn't want to publish on the world wide web until it was absolutely official --- girlfriend's got a new job!!!


This is an accurate graph of how I have been feeling:

I didn't get groceries or do laundry for like 3 weeks. Mercy. You can't keep that up for long.


Changing jobs is a soul-searching, mind-boggling venture. I can't remember a time when I wasn't stressed about this and I'm still nervous that I'll never feel settled in a workplace ever again. So I'm in this spectacular season of transition that is absolutely requiring me to trust and have faith that God has got my back in all of this.


Let me take you back a few months.....

I started this little gem of a Bible Study.....

This study is all about being on a journey -- and it takes you through the Psalms of Ascent. Which I then discovered are the pslams that the jewish people read as they traveled to Jerusalem each year. It's all about what journey you are on, and where God is going to take you next. I have learned not to mess around with God. So at the start of this study I prayed for God to take me to where I'm supposed to go next, and I prayed for strength to be obedient and wisdom to know what all this might look like. Man I love Him. He watches out for me.

A job opening came up with another company and I applied for it. It was for an entry level position and I had enough experiences to think I might have a chance at it. After speaking with the representative, she recommended I speak with another person about an additional position that they are hiring for at the time. Long story short, they offered me the top position they were hiring for, at a competitive salary. YAY!! I've never been more scared in my life. But I prayed for this right?? Now that I have the new job, all I have to do is quit the old job. Sweet mercy. This was harder than I thought. I had given my two weeks notice in my head probably 1000 times. Particularly at holiday when things are crazy. When the actual time came, I was incredibly sad.

After resigning from New York and Company my boss came back to me two days later with another job offer. She told me about a position at our corporate offices in the communications department. It was also 8-5, monday through friday --- it's just in New York City. I told her I was interested and spent the rest of the morning talking to recruiters from the city about options like having movers take my stuff or shipping it and just flying there to meet it. She talked me through a lot of the details and set up a time for me to fly to New York the next week to meet with the team and look around the city for a place to live.


I spent the next 48 hours obsessed with the craigslist apartment/room share pages and probably looked at 100 apartments. In Manhattan? Out of Manhattan?

Subway or train? 2,000 dollars a month for a tiny studio? Or 1,500 a month to share a 2 bedroom with a stranger? How long can I go without knowing anyone in the city and not having any close friends before I go crazy?

Saturday mornings at the street bazaar on the Avenue of the Americas or Omaha at the Farmers market with my friends?

I read every blog about how to move to the city and not lose all your money or all your sanity. I found websites that tracked your walking time from place to place in the city and I searched times from my office to the different apartments I was considering. I thought about how much I'm ready for the next phase of my life, and how I hope that includes a nice man. And how my odds of meeting this man are at least mathematically greater in NYC due to the bagillion dudes that live there. You know?  And at the end of the day, how many opportunities does a person get to live in New York City, and regardless of all this can I pass up this chance?


I took the weekend to think about it and by Monday morning I had lost my voice, probably from stress, or probably from singing my little heart out at the 4 easter services :)


Do I want this life?

Or do I want to be around to go to family dinners at holidays and be with my friends and watch this little guy grow up?

I prayed all weekend that the answer would be obvious to me. That God's will would be clear and that I would not be afraid to follow it ---whatever that looked like.

And on Monday the answer was quite clear. The fact that I had no voice really challenged me to think about how much I had been talking about all this change, and how I hadn't taken a solid chunk of time to just pray about it. I've prayed and thought about it constantly, but I was quick to pick up the phone when I was nervous instead of getting on my knees.

I got a call from the New York offices and the hiring team unanimously determined that this job and I were not a great fit. It was going to be a lot of data entry and not a lot of human-interaction. That's not me....and that was pretty obvious to everyone apparently. The woman who would have been my direct supervisor said that she couldn't with a clear conscience, totally uproot my life and move me to a different city for a job that I might not love. I told them that I felt so lucky to have been a part of an organization that considered me as an individual and not just a person to fill a spot. The recruiter asked me "So are you ok with  how this is ending?" And at the time I agreed with everything we had discussed and told her I completely understood how all decisions had been made. But for the rest of the day her question kept going through my head. Am I ok with this ending? Oh my gosh. This is ending. The job that I'm totally comfortable with, that I have seniority within my market, that I have made a name for myself within the company, with people that I dearly dearly love??? No I'm not ok with that!??!!? And I cried for the rest of the day. So picture my sad voiceless self, laying in bed, watching a non-sad movie, weeping uncontrollably. I recovered, but I have to assume these moments of doubt and sadness will happen every once in awhile. Ok...every 30 minutes probably.

I was challenged to make a list of all the reasons I'm making this job change so that in moments of doubt I could look back at them and affirm my desire to make a big change in life. 
*I’m making this change for a schedule that allows me to spend time with friends and family
*I decided to come work here for an opportunity to learn new skills.
*I have a lot of good things to offer this company.
*I want to think about Christmas approaching and not instantly associate the feeling with dread.
*I want to work with men. (I know this sounds weird, but I haven't had a male co-worker in 7 years)
*I want to work in an office setting
*I want to have more time on the weekends to meet someone. I would like to have just a prayer of a chance at a normal dating life. (I like to blame my lack of success on scheduling restrictions at the old job. I'm sure that's been the problem)
*I want to know that I can do it. I'm afraid of change and I want to know that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.

Here's the most amazing part of all :) --- Each week in the bible study, you would journal a phrase that you thought God was trying to tell you based on the psalm you were reading. Here's how mine looked at the end of the study:

Psalm 120: This is just the beginning
Psalm 121: I've got your back, Beth
Psalm 122: Be purposeful in Omaha, NE
Psalm 123: I covered all "that" in grace
Psalm 124: I am on your side, Beth
Psalm 125: The Lord has been GOOD to you
Psalm 126: Get ready for armloads of blessings
Psalm 127: Without me? You will only be frustrated.
Psalm 128: Be fruitful
Psalm 129: KEEP GOING!
Psalm 130: Forgiveness, Redemption, and HOPE
Psalm 131: I meet all your needs, Beth
Psalm 132: I can do even better than that for you!
Psalm 133: You are supported, loved, and ready for this.
Psalm 134: Don't forget why you came here....

With these words of confirmation and hope backing me, how can I fail?? 

One of the last statements in the study has really stuck with me.

"Stepping up sometimes means stepping out. God is telling you that the time has come for you to finally take that step of faith you've wrestled over and prayed about long enough."

For me, this looks like a job change, not a location change. I don't feel ready, but I've got a tiny bit of faith that will carry me through this time of transition.

But.....

I'll always love you New York.....

Beth and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11


So I had a pretty rough couple of days this last week. I feel like the text I sent one of my assistants at 1:30 in the morning pretty much sums it up:


"Store will be TRASHED from construction when you get in in the morning. Roaches falling from ceiling. Call Terminix. Office computer crashed. See you at 1."


Do you remember that book from when you were a kid? Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day??


"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."


Bless his little heart. The whole book chronicles this kids bad day. His solution is to move to Australia. It ends with his mother telling him that some days are just like this -- even in Australia.


My days have been a combination of the regular work day with the added bonus of a construction project happening simultaneously for the past week. It's inconvenient and stressful and it's getting OLD. Speaking of old, the late 50's general contractor, has taken up a past-time of hitting on me anytime he's in my store. Which to be honest, was a little flattering the first time, even given his age. 5 days of it? Not funny, not flattering, not ok anymore.


I was dealing ok with the construction and the big work week, until yesterday morning when my computer -- which had been acting up --- was determined unsalvageable, and wiped clean of all my files and documents from the last 2 years. 2 years of work friends. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I have to remind myself that the files on my computer do not show my accomplishments, and that my growth and my talent as an employee is communicated in other ways --- but its hard not to think that much like the last 2 years of my life in a struggling economy in a retail environment --- was it all a waste?


I was reading something in a study last week that I thought was pretty interesting and I keep thinking about it in the midst of my crap-tastic couple days. Jeremiah 29:11 is such a well known verse, and I would guess several people you ask would even tell you it was their favorite.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The study I was reading challenged you to think of the exact opposite of what this says, and write out what you think Satan is trying to convince you of when he tells you the opposing message. I came up with something like this:


"This is not going to happen for you. You should give up. Just be ok with being miserable. That heavy weight that you're carrying? You deserve it and should just get used to it"


Satan is the author of all lies. And when I start to hear things like this in my head, I'm trying to identify that that line of thought is coming straight from him. There is no truth in that. Isn't it interesting how a couple bad days can take my thoughts and just dominate them?? I mean, just set you on a path towards mental distruction. Crazy. Literally.

My week is already turning up. Just gotta march right through it right?

Beth

Repurposed....

I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies;
I'll call the unloved and make them beloved.
In the place where they yelled out, "You're nobody!"
they're calling you "God's living children."

---Romans 9:25

I'm interested in the idea of repurposing. And I was hitting a major major plateau on my interpretation of biblical confidence. I think I'll still return to that topic, but I had no new or creative thoughts, and that in and of itself got super discouraging and then I didn't write for awhile, and then I got out of the habit of looking for illustrations....blah blah blah. I'm back. With something new.

Repurposing is a huge buzzword in the environmental and green communities. It's all about recycling and eliminating waste, but I think repurposing may go a little deeper than that --- here's a quick wikipedia definition:

"Repurposing is to use a tool for use as another tool, usually for a purpose unintended by the original tool-maker. Typically, repurposing is done using items usually considered to be junk or garbage. A good example of this would be the Earthship style of house, that uses tires as insulating walls and bottles as glass walls. Reuse is not limited to repeated uses for the same purpose. Examples of repurposing include using tires as boat fenders and steel drums as feeding troughs. Incinerator and power plant exhaust stack fly-ash is used extensively as an additive to concrete, providing increased strength. This type of reuse can sometimes make use of items which are no longer usable for their original purposes, for example using worn-out clothes as rags."


Upon further internet research, I discovered an entire art community of people creating amazing and innovative things out of existing objects.

How interesting is that doll house turned into utility room shelving?! I also really love those lights.  

So I set out today with the goal of creating a repurposed work of art. Easy right? I'm crafty. I knew exactly where I would go to find my "junk" that I would use, and I've done something similar in the past ---- I wish I still had a picture of an old fashioned glass blender that I turned into a fish tank (I cut the cord off of it---the fish was safe at all times).

This is the Kraft Furniture store on like 16th and Leavenworth and it is a crying shame that they are going out of business this month. Because people need a place where they can buy bagged doll heads in bulk.....

$1 per bag or 15 cents a head. Bargain.


There is so much potential in the bins and barrels here that I can hardly stand it.....

Here's the thing....it turns out you have to have a purpose in order to re-purpose something. I wandered around that place for way longer than a person should safely breathe fumes in a place like that, with so many ideas and possibilities in mind that I walked away with nothing.

 

I desperately tried to think of something to do with these cute little bottles... Wind chimes? They don't clink nicely when I tapped them together. Tiny little vases? LAME. I was stuck. And what this girl doesn't need is a dozen tiny little bottles sitting in her very full one bedroom apt..."just in case" I think of something I need them for---you know??

I still love the idea of repurposing. It completely challenges the way that I think. You've got to look at something in terms of potential and possiblity. I'm so quick to say a suitcase is a suitcase, because that is what I've always used it for ---- but when tipped on its side and mounted on the wall its your new opening/closing medicine cabinet. It's crazy?!

Here's where my heart becomes so full and excited --- I'm pretty sure Jesus is the master of repurposement. And I'm pretty sure he's laughing at the fact that I'm just picking up on this now. He can take nothing, and make something out of it. Beauty from ashes right? Our culture pats itself on the back because we're so crafty in making asphalt interstates out of our old car tires, but Christ started this whole process when he redeemed us on the cross.

His death was Him showing us that it does not matter how much crap we throw down or how far gone we get ourselves, he'll buy us back. Even when we are still in the thick of it, he wants us back. Because He's got a purpose :) An original purpose. And even if that means repurposing me? He can do it.

So I'm kind of looking at it as a challenge now...and I am in a sorry state of I-can't-stand-this-winter-one-more-second-ness, so I'm pretty punchy.... but as I've been praying about this, I try to offer God my most non-dignified, unglamorous, unacceptable traits to see what he can do with them.....

Today God... all I feel like I've got a lot of.... are acne scars and emotional baggage.... what do you got for that?

"I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies;
I'll call the unloved and make them beloved."

Even if all you've got to offer is a mix-matched bag of doll heads -- metaphorically speaking--- he wants it. :)

It's not just making sure the original item is not wasted, it's helping it find it's purpose in a new and amazing way. I think a lot of my interest in this word is its close tie to redemption. Which is how God eventually snatched up my heart and I have never been the same --- I'm redeemed. And when that finally got through my thick head, I just couldn't go back.

"Full redemption is when God buys back everything that has happened to us and every sin we've committed....He not only diffuses our past of all power to harm and haunt us but he infuses it with power to help others. Redemption is incomplete if our past is only diffused. Satan won't be completely sorry and God won't get all the glory until the bad is used for good." --Beth Moore

Hallelujah. That's what I'm talking about!

I am SUPER excited to walk through some of these ideas with you. Hope you all are having a good week! Beth

January --- Confidence III

I just got back from a little trip for work and I have to say that I might have been made to live on the road. I really really like it.

This little guy has seen some crazy tiny airplanes and some crazy fun places...

I always pack hot tea and comfy sweat pants. When I'm traveling for work, if I can make my hotel room something that I look forward to going to at night, it makes all the difference.

After all, who doesn't want to leave a place that can boast a -6 degree temperature without even factoring in wind chill? :)

Second favorite part about traveling? Per diem. I order Tiramisu at every restaurant. I'm becoming a subject matter expert. I went to a Hibachi restaurant for a co-workers birthday on this trip and it was complete with birthday sundae and singing-drum-beating waiters.

Everytime I travel by air I allow myself a few guilty pleasures on my iPod. The first and most important is a single episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I know this is the lamest thing ever, but it is straight from my childhood and I can't watch it without grinning from ear to ear. I also really like to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother -- I laugh out loud in crowded waiting areas and don't even care --- so funny! Lastly, I create a playlist for every major trip and label it accordingly. It's kind of cool now to look back and see what life was like on those trips. Uh -- how depressed was I Mexico 2010 mix? Considering a career as a dj Beth? Cause the North Carolina 2010 mix is quite possibly the best dance playlist ever. The Memphis 2011 mix was Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake with some Amos Lee thrown in for good measure. It did not disappoint.

I purposely try to connect in Minneapolis for the Caribou Coffee.... even if I've been up since 4, the coffee makes it all worth it and much easier to tolerate delays and cancellations.

Speaking of being up at 4 --- here's a little bit of a situation for you. My trip to TN was to assimilate a new leader to a team that she will be taking over out there. She was from San Diego and had not seen snow in 4 years. Cut to us, driving to the airport, the day after my cancelled flight, at 4 am on solid packed snow with my CA driver chaffeuring me. What should have been a 25 minute drive to the airport took 45 minutes, leaving me with 35 minutes to go from drop off lane to jetway. Yikes. I performed a security hat trick, with liquids, a laptop and a winter coat in just a few minutes and then glanced quickly at my boarding pass to get to my gate. 19C. On it. I generally speaking make fun of anyone who is running in a panic in an airport. But in this situation, I was not about to miss this flight and stay in Memphis another day. So I run. Fast and hard. And this is coming from a girl who was ecstatic to find a Dunkin Donuts the day before, so I'm not in optimum physical condition at this point. I get to where gate 19C should be and there is nothing --- no gate. Sick joke???? What's happening here. I look again and that is definitely my seat number, not my gate number. So I now run back down the terminal, past people who have already seen me running in the opposite direction, for a little encore run to my actual gate. I made it. It was just a lot of drama leading up to the close call that was my 6:00 departure. haha 

I keep thinking about confidence guys. And I think I have stumbled on to something cool to share with you this week. How are you at math? Cause I think I have a formula for confidence :)

Isaiah 32:17 -- The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.

Well that's somewhat helpful right??? The verse flat out ties our confidence in life to righteousness through our faith. I like the idea of tying quietness and confidence together too... how many times would it have benefited me to just shut-up and give it a rest and not let my insecurites out quite as much? I would like to be one of those gentle-quiet-comfortable-in-her-own-skin-content-magic women one day...that's possible right?

So if we know that confidence comes from righteousness, we better get ourselves some of that then huh?

I heard someone define righteousness as an object doing the job it was created to do...like if a pen can write, we would call that a righteous pen.... make sense? My favorite passage about righteousness is in Romans 4, where it talks about Abraham's faith:

20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. 22 And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. 23 And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded 24 for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25 He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised to life to make us right with God.

Our righteousness -- our job that we were created to do -- is to believe God, and believe that Jesus is what saves us... and the effect of righteousness is quietness and confidence.

But Beth---- I'm not a righteous person. I do not have it together. I am not doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm not righteous, confident, faithful or secure in any way? What do I do???

Glad you asked.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Own it man. Tell him what you did and how you feel and he is faithful to purify you from all that garbage. I think that starts to make sense to me though... the secret things that keep us in bondage, steal our security away from us and prevent us from living a confident life....that math adds up!

My friends, I have lived life in a stronghold of sin. I did it for quite awhile actually. And can I just tell you what it feels like to have some victory in Jesus? Relief. Some days it feels better than others but I am so so grateful for grace and for the closeness of Jesus when I needed him. When addicts reach milestones in their recovery they receive "chips" -- 30 day chips, 90 day chips, etc... 

As part of my recovery and in celebration of a milestone, my friend Autumn thought I should have some chips too....

Behold..... 

It would be next to impossible to describe to you how blessed I feel in this moment :)

Does that give you some things to think about?? I feel like I kind of went in a million directions with this post, but I'm starting to see in scripture how it all ties together. I hope you are having good weeks out there! I feel like my days are messed up and it feels like a Friday, when in fact it's only Tuesday... Oh well! Hope to talk to you all soon!

Beth

January --- Confidence II

Hebrews 10:35


"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back." But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

Tonight feels just about perfect. Why do you ask? Let me break down the perfectness of this moment :)

*We in NE, find ourselves in a little blizzard. And by little I mean pretty big. I have a job that doesn't do the snow-day thing, so I worked a full day today, which makes being home now, in my sweat pants -- warm and snug -- all the more sweeter.
*I have discovered Whole Foods bulk Bath Salt. Soaking in a Peppermint Sea Salt bath on a frigid night is my new go-to stress relief. It is GLORIOUS. Cold white wine, and hot relaxing peppermint water. Sweet mercy, I'm all over this.
*Tombstone is on AMC tonight. I love westerns. Probably to an unhealthy level. The cowboy marathons on tv can suck me in for hours and it just so happens one of the very best is on tonight, during our little blizzard. Bliss.

*Beanpod Candle. Just happens to be new. Herb Garden scent. Entirely soy candles that burn super clean and smell amazing -- and I have one cooking just a few feet from me.

*I've eaten leftover pizza for 2 out of the 3 meals today. That's not necessarily making me happy, I just feel like it's noteworthy in this little recap of my day. :) 

I'm in my big chair and this feeling of comfort and contentment is just washing over me and I'm so glad to have some time to sit and think about confidence. On a side note, the little stats bar on the blog about went off the charts today, so all of you who are snowed in must be getting a little blog time squeezed into your snow days too. Love it. 

This week's verse on confidence is one of my new favorites I think. I discovered it a few weeks ago when I was listening to a sermon in church. The minister was preaching out of the next chapter in Hebrews and I happened to look back on the page and it just jumped out at me! Mostly cause I'm on the look out for confidence in the Bible, but also just how he says it. 

"So do not throw away your confidence..."

What do you throw away your confidence on?

I have been thinking about this quite a bit and I think we can break down our roles and our different areas of life to analyze this a little bit. Go with me here...

I am a confident daughter. I cherish my relationship with my parents and I am so secure in my role in this part of my life. I don't second guess my worthiness of this position. I know I am valued as a part of my parent's family. I'm pretty confident in this section of life. In fact, I just had a fabulous weekend with my Mom where we did Omaha up right. We hit some malls, some crafty places, some restaurants and even the Orpheum -- oh yes, we chim chim cheroo-ed with Marry Poppins. :)

Please note the random shopping bags and take out containters littering my apt floor. My mom is either texting or working a Sudoku puzzle while lounging in this cave we turned my living room into --- so funny!
 I am a confident boss. Possibly overly confident. In my job, I am in a leadership position over others. I manage my own time as well as their's and I enjoy being able to give people direction and guidance. I feel as though I have worked long and hard to earn my seniority and people that have been doing the same job as me for 17 plus years call to ask me questions. I'm really speaking to my role as a leader, and I feel pretty confident. (I feel like it should be noted that I am in retail, and I am very very not confident in regards to the economy and how that effects my job --- that's another story though) 

I am a confident friend. I love love love my friends. I have cherished relationships that I never doubt for a second where I stand with my friends. I don't worry about whether or not I do a good job at being a friend and I don't worry about whether or not my friends will still love me in 10 years. I'm confident that I'm loved and I'm confident that I'm valued. It's a blessing and I'm so so thankful for the body of believers I have as friends. This last week at church they were talking about the word "hallelujah" and how it means that you have so much joy springing up in your soul that you just have to have a word to say to give Him praise. I stood in my little row at church and just praised Him for the place of worship I get to call my church home. 

I am a confident child of God. I am so so aware of how much I need His grace, and How much he is willing to just cover me in it. I am forever indebted to Him for the pit he pulled me up out of-- I am confident that Jesus saves. I am so so convinced of this and I really like telling other people about it too. I'm gaining some confidence on that front I think.

Here's where it stops though...

I am so incredibly not confident when it comes to romantic relationships. I am not a confident girlfriend. Not for a second. I had a somewhat joking but not really joking conversation with a friend on New years --  I was telling her about how one time I was caught off guard by seeing a guy I had been emailing with for a few weeks at an event, and I was so unsure about what to do that I pretended not to know him. Even when people introduced us again, I pretended I didn't know who he was. Upon hearing this story, she said something along the lines of how can you have so much trouble with this area when you're so normal everywhere else... Which sounds bad as I type this, but I didn't take it that way at all. It's so spot on. My confidence is absolutely zapped in dating relationships. I can even take it a step further. I'm perfectly fine on a first date. It's the 5th, 6th and 7th where I begin to doubt if I have anything to offer a relationship and I freak out. I throw away my confidence....what the heck??

You want to put your confidence to an absolute test??? Try blind-dating in your late twenties. :) I have accepted the fact that the way I meet my future husband will probably be through some sort of referral. And thus, the blind dates. I am done with the bar scene, and the crazies you meet there are only good for a few stories and then you are really just left with said crazy person. Case in point, you cannot base a relationship on someone who does a top notch Michael Jackson karaoke performance. You just can't. I've tried. Meeting someone at church is also tricky because just walking up to someone you don't know who "appears" to be single and introducing yourself cold turkey has a desperate smack to it and I'm not quite ready to be that girl. :)

So I'm open to the "You're a nice girl, you should go out with so and so" or the "You know who's a nice guy...." or even "My husbands cousins neighbors co-worker is single, I should set you guys up sometime" ---as much as it hurts my pride to need people to somewhat do this part for me, I've decided to be ok with it. I've tapped out my own resources and am glad to have some help.

So back to confidence .... In the list I just made for you all, I only identified one area that I feel blatantly insecure in --- so I'm sure there are other areas I could dive into, but for the sake of math, let's say I'm confident in 4 out of 5 parts of my life. But do you know that if you asked me if I was a confident person I would say no?? Why on earth is it that the one part of my life that I throw away my confidence on, overshadows every other area that I feel secure about? The majority should rule right? I don't have any answers yet, just putting some of this together in my head is helping me get there I think.

Here's what I do know. Anywhere you find confidence in the Bible there's always a He or a Him nearby. Whether you look back a little bit, or look forward a little bit, confidence is always tied to Him ---And the He or the Him is always Jesus. The part of who you are that gains confidence by being loved by Jesus, trumps every other area of your life. Throw out the math, or any justification you may have on the other parts because that one piece of your life is what makes everything else possible. How do you get it to translate to everywhere else? Beats me. I'm working on it. How do I know that I am worth it in a relationship and totally able to do it --- just because Jesus loves me and that's where I gain my confidence? I will keep you posted, cause I'm so not sure.

This has got to not just be me right? Does everyone have an area of their life that they throw away their confidence on that makes life as a whole seem pretty insecure?

This portion of scripture goes on to tell us that we need our confidence because we will need to persevere through life. Amen to that huh? I'm finding that if God tells us we need something, he will often provide it for us as well. In the Bible, we are told that all we have to do to get a little wisdom is to ask for it. Plain and simple. Ask and you shall receive. And what if confidence is like wisdom? Maybe we should be asking for it a little more? I'm going to try.

The final part of these verses tells us:

But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

Quit acting like that, when you are really like this. I'm on the team that has faith and is saved! The phrase "shrink back" rings so true to me, and I would guess to you too. It's a word picture of how I respond in situations where I'm not confident --- and this verse tells me that I don't belong in that boat!

Tonight may be a perfect example of me oversharing on the internet....oh well.... I've got to assume other people feel this way too and I'm up for starting the thoughts turning in your heads. :)

Much love to you all on this snowy night! Praying for all of our confident hearts.
Beth

January --- Confidence

2010 was a year that needed some structure. I did the 52 verses in a desperate attempt to get myself into my Bible on a regular basis. It worked. I'm totally into it and have been trying to decide what to do in 2011 to stay excited.

I discovered that I really like seeking something out. If you've been following the blog for a few months, you know that I was way interested in finding answers about God's goodness for awhile. And while I don't have specific answers, I have found that God's goodness is all over that Bible. I find more when I'm looking with a purpose.

My goal for 2011 is to pick 12 things I want to learn more about and look for scriptures and verses to help me understand. I was talking with a woman that works for me today and she challenged me that I really like to create forms and guides and checklists and schedules and quizzes when I train them on something ...then she said something mind-blowing...."sometimes we just need you to talk to us"

12 is my goal, which would be one topic per month, but if I get really interested in something or God puts it on my heart to keep on something, I'm going to just go with it instead of "checking it off a list and keeping on schedule". There's got to be some room for grace right?

So January? You might be wondering? ....it's all about Confidence.

Here's how I have started this journey of learning how to be confident in Jesus--- (Well aside from living the previous 26 years of my life not confidently and finally identifying it, I guess I did that first...) ---but I have started with some scripture memorization. Here it goes team, we are on the honor system here, so trust me when I tell you I am typing this from memory:

Psalm 27
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation
of whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh
When my enemies and my foes attacked me
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart shall not fear
Though wars rise up against me,
Even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
to seek Him in His temple.
Then in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in His dwelling place.

OH YEAH!!! That's all I got so far --- it's verses 1 through 5ish, out of a total of 14. More to come. I'm liking how it feels to have this stuff locked in my head. It's also what I've found is my kick-off to confidence.

I've been trying to think about what has come before the "even then will I be confident" in my life. David, the man who wrote this Psalm was concerned with physical safety it seems. He's worried about armies and wars and "the wicked" and all that seems pretty legit as far as things to be anxious about... :) But what has it been for me??

The Lord is the stronghold of my life,
of whom shall I be afraid.
Though people have hurt me in my past and made me feel worthless?
though I haven't accomplished what I set out to do?
My heart shall not fear.
Though I struggle with being single, and my heart hurts sometimes...
Even then will I be confident.

I think there's a lot of things I could "fill in" to that Psalm and I'm pretty sure you could too. The truly interesting part is that when you put your confidence in Jesus, the response is always the same. 

Confidence is a tricky thing. It makes us really evaluate where our security comes from and where we find our strength. I'm really excited about this process and I hope that if you have thoughts or questions or quotes or ideas you'll leave them here too so you can help me figure this out. :)

Confidently His,
Beth

OH! Do you get the Sound of Music banner??? 

We're doin a new thing here kids....

Stay tuned..... Woot Woot!

Week 52 --- Psalm 81:5

I hear this most gentle whisper from One
I never guessed would speak to me...

So I'm really bad at finishing things. If you are looking for someone to cast a vision, or brainstorm an idea, or get people excited about starting a project --- I'm your girl. But bringing it all to completeness and closure, I struggle with that....

Here are some books that I'm currently reading.....

 Some of these I just started, some have been on this shelf for a long time....

Check out where my bookmarks are... haha... I get started and then I want to start something else and I never make it back to them...

Well, and then I guess there are these that are by my bed that I've started too ... it's not like it's a race to finish them, but I struggle to finish what I've started.

And in my attempt to illustrate for you all how this is an issue for me, I'm now totally freaking myself out that I really do have a problem to deal with here. Mercy. I did not see this going this way.  

This is a piece I started several years ago...

I've got big plans for adding these little ceramic pieces and creating somewhat of a mosaic with this...but it's been years in the making. I can honestly justify that I don't have a lot of time for my artwork, but I also think there's something about me that likes to have a lot of things "in progress".

All this to say... the 52 verses I've been talking about? Finished it. It's such a perfect example of how God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses, because as I've stated, I'm not a good finisher. 

In fact, I didn't tell very many people I was going to do this. Just two in the beginning. And then I gained some confidence and started sharing with a few people. And can I just tell you, the journey of following God through scripture, one verse at a time has absolutely rocked me to my core. Did you know He'll talk to you? He really will. The verses in His Word are not an accident and he wrote them to help us. It's been such a discovery. 

Speaking of discovery, I think that I find more in the Bible if I'm really looking for it. Maybe that's oversimplifying. But if you are a fan through the pages and hope that the Bible will fall open to what you need for that moment kind of gal, I'm really glad that works for you and I know God has the power to speak to you that way --- but what has blessed me has been the times where I'm honest with God, we figure out my needs, and then I search the scriptures for something that speaks to that. And it never dissappoints. 

This year has really helped me see the beauty in sticking with something to the end. I've decided it's good for the soul to try and do something that takes a year to finish.

If I ever get a tattoo, it will be this line of music...

This was my recital piece when I was in the 7th grade I think. It's a ho hum little Scherzando that probably every piano-playing kid has learned. The music is lovely, until you get to the end that is...and then it starts to build...and by the end you are playing faster, and it's getting exciting and then these low crashing chords bring you to the last line that makes playing through the whole song totally worth it. Its a reminder to me to finish things. The ending is sometimes the best part.

I've struggled with how to end this year-long project, I've put off writing this last journal entry, because I don't really want it to end. I stopped emailing the verses on Sunday nights when December ended, and last week I sent one out, just because I missed it. Jesus, how thankful I am that your Word has burned such an impression on my heart that I miss it when I'm not talking about it with others. 

My hope for what I'd like to do to keep myself (and maybe others) accountable in 2011 for being in the scriptures is already cooking and I will share with you all soon. I think there's something to be said for having a plan and I'm excited for what that's going to look like.

Dear God,

I thank you for the year 2010. I thank you for the times that brought me to my knees and the times that I could hardly contain myself with how much joy you give. I thank you for your word and the way I see you work through it. I thank you for my chair and my favorite quilt and how I look forward to spending time reading about you in that spot. I thank you for the words that you gave to me at the perfect moment throughout 12 months, 52 weeks and 365 days, help me to believe that your purpose and your timing is for my benefit and my good. I thank you for the women who joined me on this and sent emails, left comments or mentioned the verse that week -- the accountability was precious to me. As I look back over the year, I'm struck by how real you are and how close you are to me. I'm thankful for your patience with me :) I'm thankful you didn't give up on me. Sitting here now I'm wondering what's next? And even as I type that it makes me a little nervous. Help me to anticipate Your goodness and look forward to how I can serve You in the coming year. Man I love you. I had no idea how great this could be. 

Love, Beth