Week 28 --- Ephesians 6:10

"Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might."

I knew going into this week that it was going to be a week that required a big decision. And i hate those. My computer crashed last week, and I quickly discovered a lot of life is now done on the computer--- Bills, email communication, viewing new computers to replace the old one, stuff that I needed and wanted to do online but couldn't. I had to buy. Dread.

I don't know when this process became hard for me, but large committments such as contracts or exchanges of money have become my cryptonite in recent years. The thought of spending over 100 requires some serious thought, and then I begin the second-guessing, self-doubting, and over-thinking. And somewhere in there I give myself an anxiety attack and make what should be a fun purchase a source of stress. 

So here's what I have learned in the last week.

• 
  
  I am not a "One Day Only!" sale type of shopper. If you are telling me to get a sale or a special price I must purchase instantly, I will kindly walk away. I am not that person. I just can't be pressured to that extent. 
• 
  
  I need to be an informed shopper. I began my computer search with a "color of computer" in mind. Maybe silver??? 600 dollars seems like a good price for a silver computer..... see the dilemma?? I had no clue. I then called my dad and my best friend's husband, gathered some facts, compared some prices, and had a better base of knowledge. Big deal. I now can understand and evaluate "ram" "processors" "pixels" etc and know what's good and what's acceptable. I am learning. 
• 
  
  I have to have a budget and a plan. I've never ever had trouble spending money in the past, but have since began to spend time with people that pursue debt-free living, and am now conscious of "financial peace". Mercy. 
• 
  
  I have to focus on the fact that I am a confident and capable woman that can make good decisions. Seems simple enough, but I struggle. 

So after toting my best friend and her darling baby to a few electronics departments around town, I was ready to buy! I picked up the little slip and took it to the cash register and repeated over and over in my head "Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might."

And here I am now! Blogging on the new computer. I have a quilt that was lovingly made for me by my sweet mother pulled over my lap, a mini bag of Lime and Salt Natural Popcorn, a little Pandora for background, and am sharing my thoughts on my smart and successful purchase of a computer. In this moment I'm enjoying a small step towards victory in defeating anxiety and self-doubt. Praise Him! Hallelujah!

I think the portion of decision-making that makes it difficult for me is the fact that I complicate it by feeling like a victim. I struggle with being single and I feel it so excrutiatingly when there is something big to be decided. What health insurance to get, where to license my car, what cell phone company to go with --- these are things that most people have the benefit of sharing the burden with another. I am never short of Godly counsel from my friends and family, but it still really gets me. Sometimes I find myself doing what I consider to be "boy jobs". I kill my own spiders. I take out my own trash. I open my own jars. And I don't get mad at those things, but when open enrollment for health insurance, or my apt lease comes up, I just wish it didn't all come back to me. Ugh! I hate it. But I am learning through a slow and steady process I think. With nice little exercises like buying computers.

“I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.”