that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.
Well, it's New Years day. I spent the last year meditating on scripture, and I can't believe it's already done. I didn't tell very many people I was doing it at first. I was pretty convinced I would lose interest or stop doing it, and less people watching you fail at something is always preferable right? But it didn't happen that way. :) In fact, I think I gained a little momentum mid-year and the way that scripture has come alive to me these past 52 weeks has been such a life-changing experience. You'll notice that my post is only on week 48 out of the 52. My process of the 52 verse year was to email out to a few friends every Sunday evening the verse that I would be focusing on that week. I started really enjoying journaling about the verses halfway through the year and would then write about them after the week was over. Sometimes it takes me more than 7 days to see how a scripture is working in my life and you hate to rush the Holy Spirit... so thus I am on week 48 ... still trying to figure out God's goodness.
I have been struggling with God's goodness. I don't doubt for one second his power or his sovereignty or his love or his ability or his plans...I just haven't felt his goodness in awhile. So I have been all over scripture trying to figure this out. You'll hopefully see more verses on this in the next few weeks, but here I am on New Years, wishing to be wiser, but still so confused.
I have coasted into many a New Years so grateful for the fresh start. Just desperate to start over. But this year feels different. I found Jesus in new ways that have changed me forever in 2010. I accomplished some things that I am really proud of and that feels really good. So arriving at New Years, pretty much exhausted from the fight of a lifetime throughout the past year, I'm finding myself feeling sorry for myself. Don't you hate that?!? I can hardly stand it. Literally.
Let me break it down. I think I start to lose focus on Jesus when I take my eyes off of him and start looking around at other people's lives. Which goes directly against my favorite every situation, every emotion verse of "fixing my eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of my faith". But I start looking at what I see as goodness in other people's lives and then I start to get frustrated. I have felt so close to God this last year -- close like a friend, close like a protector, close like a Saviour--- and in the midst of this I feel like He and I continue to grow closer together through trials and crap. I think I feel a little weird about this because when you spend time with someone, and you enjoy being with someone, and you like to talk to someone -- wouldn't you want to do fun things together and have some good times once in awhile? Even as those words come out of my mouth I can think of a bagillion good things God and I have done together this year --- but this is my anatomy of a breakdown of a pity party, so stick with me. Back to looking at other people. I see big good things happening for people that have hurt me. And that's the harsh truth of why I'm upset. Praise Him that we are not in a life where we are rewarded or punished for our actions. I get that. Hallelujah cause I would be out for the count if that was the case, but I don't understand God's timing or plans when I feel like I've put all my eggs in His basket just to lead me to a place where I watch people that have caused me pain seem to harvest the most blessing.
Sooooooo.... Here's what I've decided on this the first day of a new year. :) It all comes down to your defenition of goodness. I went so far as to look it up. God bless the google. My favorite defenition so far is the number 5 on dictionary.com:
5. the best part of anything; essence; strength.
Determining what the best part is.... worldly, surface-level, human-understood goodness may seem evident in other people's lives, but I am trusting (I am trusting trusting trusting) that the best part of anything is God's purpose in my life. Whatever on earth that may look like. I wish I was smarter, cause I still don't get it. But when I read that defenition, and I think of the best part of my year, essence, strength --- was God a part of those things in my life -- you had better believe it.
The last part of this verse makes me tear up. For you Oh Lord have helped me and comforted me. He really has. I believe in His goodness and in His mercy and in His comfort and He has helped me in ways I'm sure I don't even understand yet.
I am praying for a year of eye-opening, rule-breaking, heart-stopping, joy-overflowing encounters for you this year. I pray that you'll know his goodness and His mercy in such personal ways this year. Isn't it such an amazing part of our faith that we don't have just the one day to start over? If New Years was all we got I'd be one sorry mess. I need a
Be blessed friends. Happy New Year. Beth
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