Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I think I've mentioned I'm a student of anxiety....it's something that just plagued me for the longest time. I think it was fed by insecurity, fear, and hopelessness but wherever it came from it got to me for a long time. I've decided that anxiety is just part of a train, so go with me -- I think it looks like this:
What if? --> Anxiety --> Fear --> Dread ---> Miserable Beth
I start with a 'what if' situation or even just a nervousness about something. I allow myself to consider all the possible things that could go wrong. All the possible things that could happen and hurt through any given situation. I base none of this on fact, I base it on what if.
This leads to anxiety, and praise Jesus, this is where I recognize it now, and stomp my feet [i'll explain this in a bit :)]. If we are walking with the Lord, this is where we give Him our unknowns, and if His spirit prompts us to really be at unrest about something, we can take action on that. But usually for me it's my insecurity about work, or about relationships, or about a conversation, and not something that has any reason to give me anxiousness. I read a book a few years ago called "Calm my Anxious Heart" and now that I think about it I'm going to dig it out and review it again.... a part that stuck out to me was her illustration about what to do when anxiety "flares up" She was traveling by secret train, alone in a foreign country to meet with Christians that were experiencing religious persecution to lead a bible study. She revealed that she had felt quite a bit of anxiety in those moments....you think????? I remember reading that thinking, Lady, my anxiety is different than your anxiety. I'm needing to know what to do with the feelings I have on an every other day basis...what if I don't have enough money....what if no one ever wants me.... I'm not traveling by secret train in the dark of night...I'm just trying to get through my very normal day. If anxiety is unchecked it just gets worse.
And this brings us to fear. I think once we allow ourselves to consider all the terrible options, and even let those feelings start to overwhelm us it brings us to a point of legitimate fear. This is where it starts to interfere with really leading the life that God wants for us. Do you know that in scripture it tells us more than anything else "do not fear" or "do not be afraid" or "fear not". More than it tells us to love or to trust it tells us not to be afraid. That's big. It's like Jesus knew we would encounter this :)
Dread is the final stop of the train. This is where I have convinced myself that my notions and nervousness, my moments of heart-beating faster concern, my fears of whatever --- I now believe it -- and I'm just waiting for it to happen. Can you hear the misery in that?? Friends this is no way to live. Get off the train!!
I mentioned that I stomp my feet when I get anxious and let me tell you why -- I have a verse that I say anytime I feel even the slightest bit of worry. I fully believe saying it out loud gives it even more power and usually this is enough to settle my soul. If in fact I still feel anxious, I stomp my feet and say the verse out loud. It says in the Bible that the God of peace will soon crush Satan underneath our feet -- I believe that anxiety and worry come straight from Satan and he uses them to mess with our minds --- and I tell him that he is under my feet! That he's not going to get me on this one! I stomp out of frustration and I take it out on the devil, and it works!!
I had an evening of worry and anxiety come out of nowhere a few months ago and my best friend called me in the middle of it. I was crying and inconsolable. I told her I'd been marching back and forth in my little apartment saying scripture aloud and stomping my feet. I'm sure I appeared crazy to anyone who would have seen me, but friends I have victory in Jesus over anxiety and worry! Who cares what it looks like!? :)
Search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. God, help me know the root of why I'm worried about something. Test me. Help me. I like that this verse implies that anxiety is offensive. It is, isn't it?? :) I think that if the train that starts with worry and anxiety and ends up at dread is going one way, the exact opposite direction is headed towards a life everlasting. He'll lead us there. Search my heart God, know my struggles, help me get where you want me to go.
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