January --- Confidence III

I just got back from a little trip for work and I have to say that I might have been made to live on the road. I really really like it.

This little guy has seen some crazy tiny airplanes and some crazy fun places...

I always pack hot tea and comfy sweat pants. When I'm traveling for work, if I can make my hotel room something that I look forward to going to at night, it makes all the difference.

After all, who doesn't want to leave a place that can boast a -6 degree temperature without even factoring in wind chill? :)

Second favorite part about traveling? Per diem. I order Tiramisu at every restaurant. I'm becoming a subject matter expert. I went to a Hibachi restaurant for a co-workers birthday on this trip and it was complete with birthday sundae and singing-drum-beating waiters.

Everytime I travel by air I allow myself a few guilty pleasures on my iPod. The first and most important is a single episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I know this is the lamest thing ever, but it is straight from my childhood and I can't watch it without grinning from ear to ear. I also really like to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother -- I laugh out loud in crowded waiting areas and don't even care --- so funny! Lastly, I create a playlist for every major trip and label it accordingly. It's kind of cool now to look back and see what life was like on those trips. Uh -- how depressed was I Mexico 2010 mix? Considering a career as a dj Beth? Cause the North Carolina 2010 mix is quite possibly the best dance playlist ever. The Memphis 2011 mix was Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake with some Amos Lee thrown in for good measure. It did not disappoint.

I purposely try to connect in Minneapolis for the Caribou Coffee.... even if I've been up since 4, the coffee makes it all worth it and much easier to tolerate delays and cancellations.

Speaking of being up at 4 --- here's a little bit of a situation for you. My trip to TN was to assimilate a new leader to a team that she will be taking over out there. She was from San Diego and had not seen snow in 4 years. Cut to us, driving to the airport, the day after my cancelled flight, at 4 am on solid packed snow with my CA driver chaffeuring me. What should have been a 25 minute drive to the airport took 45 minutes, leaving me with 35 minutes to go from drop off lane to jetway. Yikes. I performed a security hat trick, with liquids, a laptop and a winter coat in just a few minutes and then glanced quickly at my boarding pass to get to my gate. 19C. On it. I generally speaking make fun of anyone who is running in a panic in an airport. But in this situation, I was not about to miss this flight and stay in Memphis another day. So I run. Fast and hard. And this is coming from a girl who was ecstatic to find a Dunkin Donuts the day before, so I'm not in optimum physical condition at this point. I get to where gate 19C should be and there is nothing --- no gate. Sick joke???? What's happening here. I look again and that is definitely my seat number, not my gate number. So I now run back down the terminal, past people who have already seen me running in the opposite direction, for a little encore run to my actual gate. I made it. It was just a lot of drama leading up to the close call that was my 6:00 departure. haha 

I keep thinking about confidence guys. And I think I have stumbled on to something cool to share with you this week. How are you at math? Cause I think I have a formula for confidence :)

Isaiah 32:17 -- The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.

Well that's somewhat helpful right??? The verse flat out ties our confidence in life to righteousness through our faith. I like the idea of tying quietness and confidence together too... how many times would it have benefited me to just shut-up and give it a rest and not let my insecurites out quite as much? I would like to be one of those gentle-quiet-comfortable-in-her-own-skin-content-magic women one day...that's possible right?

So if we know that confidence comes from righteousness, we better get ourselves some of that then huh?

I heard someone define righteousness as an object doing the job it was created to do...like if a pen can write, we would call that a righteous pen.... make sense? My favorite passage about righteousness is in Romans 4, where it talks about Abraham's faith:

20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. 22 And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. 23 And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded 24 for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25 He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised to life to make us right with God.

Our righteousness -- our job that we were created to do -- is to believe God, and believe that Jesus is what saves us... and the effect of righteousness is quietness and confidence.

But Beth---- I'm not a righteous person. I do not have it together. I am not doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm not righteous, confident, faithful or secure in any way? What do I do???

Glad you asked.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Own it man. Tell him what you did and how you feel and he is faithful to purify you from all that garbage. I think that starts to make sense to me though... the secret things that keep us in bondage, steal our security away from us and prevent us from living a confident life....that math adds up!

My friends, I have lived life in a stronghold of sin. I did it for quite awhile actually. And can I just tell you what it feels like to have some victory in Jesus? Relief. Some days it feels better than others but I am so so grateful for grace and for the closeness of Jesus when I needed him. When addicts reach milestones in their recovery they receive "chips" -- 30 day chips, 90 day chips, etc... 

As part of my recovery and in celebration of a milestone, my friend Autumn thought I should have some chips too....

Behold..... 

It would be next to impossible to describe to you how blessed I feel in this moment :)

Does that give you some things to think about?? I feel like I kind of went in a million directions with this post, but I'm starting to see in scripture how it all ties together. I hope you are having good weeks out there! I feel like my days are messed up and it feels like a Friday, when in fact it's only Tuesday... Oh well! Hope to talk to you all soon!

Beth

January --- Confidence II

Hebrews 10:35


"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back." But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

Tonight feels just about perfect. Why do you ask? Let me break down the perfectness of this moment :)

*We in NE, find ourselves in a little blizzard. And by little I mean pretty big. I have a job that doesn't do the snow-day thing, so I worked a full day today, which makes being home now, in my sweat pants -- warm and snug -- all the more sweeter.
*I have discovered Whole Foods bulk Bath Salt. Soaking in a Peppermint Sea Salt bath on a frigid night is my new go-to stress relief. It is GLORIOUS. Cold white wine, and hot relaxing peppermint water. Sweet mercy, I'm all over this.
*Tombstone is on AMC tonight. I love westerns. Probably to an unhealthy level. The cowboy marathons on tv can suck me in for hours and it just so happens one of the very best is on tonight, during our little blizzard. Bliss.

*Beanpod Candle. Just happens to be new. Herb Garden scent. Entirely soy candles that burn super clean and smell amazing -- and I have one cooking just a few feet from me.

*I've eaten leftover pizza for 2 out of the 3 meals today. That's not necessarily making me happy, I just feel like it's noteworthy in this little recap of my day. :) 

I'm in my big chair and this feeling of comfort and contentment is just washing over me and I'm so glad to have some time to sit and think about confidence. On a side note, the little stats bar on the blog about went off the charts today, so all of you who are snowed in must be getting a little blog time squeezed into your snow days too. Love it. 

This week's verse on confidence is one of my new favorites I think. I discovered it a few weeks ago when I was listening to a sermon in church. The minister was preaching out of the next chapter in Hebrews and I happened to look back on the page and it just jumped out at me! Mostly cause I'm on the look out for confidence in the Bible, but also just how he says it. 

"So do not throw away your confidence..."

What do you throw away your confidence on?

I have been thinking about this quite a bit and I think we can break down our roles and our different areas of life to analyze this a little bit. Go with me here...

I am a confident daughter. I cherish my relationship with my parents and I am so secure in my role in this part of my life. I don't second guess my worthiness of this position. I know I am valued as a part of my parent's family. I'm pretty confident in this section of life. In fact, I just had a fabulous weekend with my Mom where we did Omaha up right. We hit some malls, some crafty places, some restaurants and even the Orpheum -- oh yes, we chim chim cheroo-ed with Marry Poppins. :)

Please note the random shopping bags and take out containters littering my apt floor. My mom is either texting or working a Sudoku puzzle while lounging in this cave we turned my living room into --- so funny!
 I am a confident boss. Possibly overly confident. In my job, I am in a leadership position over others. I manage my own time as well as their's and I enjoy being able to give people direction and guidance. I feel as though I have worked long and hard to earn my seniority and people that have been doing the same job as me for 17 plus years call to ask me questions. I'm really speaking to my role as a leader, and I feel pretty confident. (I feel like it should be noted that I am in retail, and I am very very not confident in regards to the economy and how that effects my job --- that's another story though) 

I am a confident friend. I love love love my friends. I have cherished relationships that I never doubt for a second where I stand with my friends. I don't worry about whether or not I do a good job at being a friend and I don't worry about whether or not my friends will still love me in 10 years. I'm confident that I'm loved and I'm confident that I'm valued. It's a blessing and I'm so so thankful for the body of believers I have as friends. This last week at church they were talking about the word "hallelujah" and how it means that you have so much joy springing up in your soul that you just have to have a word to say to give Him praise. I stood in my little row at church and just praised Him for the place of worship I get to call my church home. 

I am a confident child of God. I am so so aware of how much I need His grace, and How much he is willing to just cover me in it. I am forever indebted to Him for the pit he pulled me up out of-- I am confident that Jesus saves. I am so so convinced of this and I really like telling other people about it too. I'm gaining some confidence on that front I think.

Here's where it stops though...

I am so incredibly not confident when it comes to romantic relationships. I am not a confident girlfriend. Not for a second. I had a somewhat joking but not really joking conversation with a friend on New years --  I was telling her about how one time I was caught off guard by seeing a guy I had been emailing with for a few weeks at an event, and I was so unsure about what to do that I pretended not to know him. Even when people introduced us again, I pretended I didn't know who he was. Upon hearing this story, she said something along the lines of how can you have so much trouble with this area when you're so normal everywhere else... Which sounds bad as I type this, but I didn't take it that way at all. It's so spot on. My confidence is absolutely zapped in dating relationships. I can even take it a step further. I'm perfectly fine on a first date. It's the 5th, 6th and 7th where I begin to doubt if I have anything to offer a relationship and I freak out. I throw away my confidence....what the heck??

You want to put your confidence to an absolute test??? Try blind-dating in your late twenties. :) I have accepted the fact that the way I meet my future husband will probably be through some sort of referral. And thus, the blind dates. I am done with the bar scene, and the crazies you meet there are only good for a few stories and then you are really just left with said crazy person. Case in point, you cannot base a relationship on someone who does a top notch Michael Jackson karaoke performance. You just can't. I've tried. Meeting someone at church is also tricky because just walking up to someone you don't know who "appears" to be single and introducing yourself cold turkey has a desperate smack to it and I'm not quite ready to be that girl. :)

So I'm open to the "You're a nice girl, you should go out with so and so" or the "You know who's a nice guy...." or even "My husbands cousins neighbors co-worker is single, I should set you guys up sometime" ---as much as it hurts my pride to need people to somewhat do this part for me, I've decided to be ok with it. I've tapped out my own resources and am glad to have some help.

So back to confidence .... In the list I just made for you all, I only identified one area that I feel blatantly insecure in --- so I'm sure there are other areas I could dive into, but for the sake of math, let's say I'm confident in 4 out of 5 parts of my life. But do you know that if you asked me if I was a confident person I would say no?? Why on earth is it that the one part of my life that I throw away my confidence on, overshadows every other area that I feel secure about? The majority should rule right? I don't have any answers yet, just putting some of this together in my head is helping me get there I think.

Here's what I do know. Anywhere you find confidence in the Bible there's always a He or a Him nearby. Whether you look back a little bit, or look forward a little bit, confidence is always tied to Him ---And the He or the Him is always Jesus. The part of who you are that gains confidence by being loved by Jesus, trumps every other area of your life. Throw out the math, or any justification you may have on the other parts because that one piece of your life is what makes everything else possible. How do you get it to translate to everywhere else? Beats me. I'm working on it. How do I know that I am worth it in a relationship and totally able to do it --- just because Jesus loves me and that's where I gain my confidence? I will keep you posted, cause I'm so not sure.

This has got to not just be me right? Does everyone have an area of their life that they throw away their confidence on that makes life as a whole seem pretty insecure?

This portion of scripture goes on to tell us that we need our confidence because we will need to persevere through life. Amen to that huh? I'm finding that if God tells us we need something, he will often provide it for us as well. In the Bible, we are told that all we have to do to get a little wisdom is to ask for it. Plain and simple. Ask and you shall receive. And what if confidence is like wisdom? Maybe we should be asking for it a little more? I'm going to try.

The final part of these verses tells us:

But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

Quit acting like that, when you are really like this. I'm on the team that has faith and is saved! The phrase "shrink back" rings so true to me, and I would guess to you too. It's a word picture of how I respond in situations where I'm not confident --- and this verse tells me that I don't belong in that boat!

Tonight may be a perfect example of me oversharing on the internet....oh well.... I've got to assume other people feel this way too and I'm up for starting the thoughts turning in your heads. :)

Much love to you all on this snowy night! Praying for all of our confident hearts.
Beth

January --- Confidence

2010 was a year that needed some structure. I did the 52 verses in a desperate attempt to get myself into my Bible on a regular basis. It worked. I'm totally into it and have been trying to decide what to do in 2011 to stay excited.

I discovered that I really like seeking something out. If you've been following the blog for a few months, you know that I was way interested in finding answers about God's goodness for awhile. And while I don't have specific answers, I have found that God's goodness is all over that Bible. I find more when I'm looking with a purpose.

My goal for 2011 is to pick 12 things I want to learn more about and look for scriptures and verses to help me understand. I was talking with a woman that works for me today and she challenged me that I really like to create forms and guides and checklists and schedules and quizzes when I train them on something ...then she said something mind-blowing...."sometimes we just need you to talk to us"

12 is my goal, which would be one topic per month, but if I get really interested in something or God puts it on my heart to keep on something, I'm going to just go with it instead of "checking it off a list and keeping on schedule". There's got to be some room for grace right?

So January? You might be wondering? ....it's all about Confidence.

Here's how I have started this journey of learning how to be confident in Jesus--- (Well aside from living the previous 26 years of my life not confidently and finally identifying it, I guess I did that first...) ---but I have started with some scripture memorization. Here it goes team, we are on the honor system here, so trust me when I tell you I am typing this from memory:

Psalm 27
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation
of whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh
When my enemies and my foes attacked me
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart shall not fear
Though wars rise up against me,
Even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
to seek Him in His temple.
Then in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in His dwelling place.

OH YEAH!!! That's all I got so far --- it's verses 1 through 5ish, out of a total of 14. More to come. I'm liking how it feels to have this stuff locked in my head. It's also what I've found is my kick-off to confidence.

I've been trying to think about what has come before the "even then will I be confident" in my life. David, the man who wrote this Psalm was concerned with physical safety it seems. He's worried about armies and wars and "the wicked" and all that seems pretty legit as far as things to be anxious about... :) But what has it been for me??

The Lord is the stronghold of my life,
of whom shall I be afraid.
Though people have hurt me in my past and made me feel worthless?
though I haven't accomplished what I set out to do?
My heart shall not fear.
Though I struggle with being single, and my heart hurts sometimes...
Even then will I be confident.

I think there's a lot of things I could "fill in" to that Psalm and I'm pretty sure you could too. The truly interesting part is that when you put your confidence in Jesus, the response is always the same. 

Confidence is a tricky thing. It makes us really evaluate where our security comes from and where we find our strength. I'm really excited about this process and I hope that if you have thoughts or questions or quotes or ideas you'll leave them here too so you can help me figure this out. :)

Confidently His,
Beth

OH! Do you get the Sound of Music banner??? 

We're doin a new thing here kids....

Stay tuned..... Woot Woot!

Week 52 --- Psalm 81:5

I hear this most gentle whisper from One
I never guessed would speak to me...

So I'm really bad at finishing things. If you are looking for someone to cast a vision, or brainstorm an idea, or get people excited about starting a project --- I'm your girl. But bringing it all to completeness and closure, I struggle with that....

Here are some books that I'm currently reading.....

 Some of these I just started, some have been on this shelf for a long time....

Check out where my bookmarks are... haha... I get started and then I want to start something else and I never make it back to them...

Well, and then I guess there are these that are by my bed that I've started too ... it's not like it's a race to finish them, but I struggle to finish what I've started.

And in my attempt to illustrate for you all how this is an issue for me, I'm now totally freaking myself out that I really do have a problem to deal with here. Mercy. I did not see this going this way.  

This is a piece I started several years ago...

I've got big plans for adding these little ceramic pieces and creating somewhat of a mosaic with this...but it's been years in the making. I can honestly justify that I don't have a lot of time for my artwork, but I also think there's something about me that likes to have a lot of things "in progress".

All this to say... the 52 verses I've been talking about? Finished it. It's such a perfect example of how God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses, because as I've stated, I'm not a good finisher. 

In fact, I didn't tell very many people I was going to do this. Just two in the beginning. And then I gained some confidence and started sharing with a few people. And can I just tell you, the journey of following God through scripture, one verse at a time has absolutely rocked me to my core. Did you know He'll talk to you? He really will. The verses in His Word are not an accident and he wrote them to help us. It's been such a discovery. 

Speaking of discovery, I think that I find more in the Bible if I'm really looking for it. Maybe that's oversimplifying. But if you are a fan through the pages and hope that the Bible will fall open to what you need for that moment kind of gal, I'm really glad that works for you and I know God has the power to speak to you that way --- but what has blessed me has been the times where I'm honest with God, we figure out my needs, and then I search the scriptures for something that speaks to that. And it never dissappoints. 

This year has really helped me see the beauty in sticking with something to the end. I've decided it's good for the soul to try and do something that takes a year to finish.

If I ever get a tattoo, it will be this line of music...

This was my recital piece when I was in the 7th grade I think. It's a ho hum little Scherzando that probably every piano-playing kid has learned. The music is lovely, until you get to the end that is...and then it starts to build...and by the end you are playing faster, and it's getting exciting and then these low crashing chords bring you to the last line that makes playing through the whole song totally worth it. Its a reminder to me to finish things. The ending is sometimes the best part.

I've struggled with how to end this year-long project, I've put off writing this last journal entry, because I don't really want it to end. I stopped emailing the verses on Sunday nights when December ended, and last week I sent one out, just because I missed it. Jesus, how thankful I am that your Word has burned such an impression on my heart that I miss it when I'm not talking about it with others. 

My hope for what I'd like to do to keep myself (and maybe others) accountable in 2011 for being in the scriptures is already cooking and I will share with you all soon. I think there's something to be said for having a plan and I'm excited for what that's going to look like.

Dear God,

I thank you for the year 2010. I thank you for the times that brought me to my knees and the times that I could hardly contain myself with how much joy you give. I thank you for your word and the way I see you work through it. I thank you for my chair and my favorite quilt and how I look forward to spending time reading about you in that spot. I thank you for the words that you gave to me at the perfect moment throughout 12 months, 52 weeks and 365 days, help me to believe that your purpose and your timing is for my benefit and my good. I thank you for the women who joined me on this and sent emails, left comments or mentioned the verse that week -- the accountability was precious to me. As I look back over the year, I'm struck by how real you are and how close you are to me. I'm thankful for your patience with me :) I'm thankful you didn't give up on me. Sitting here now I'm wondering what's next? And even as I type that it makes me a little nervous. Help me to anticipate Your goodness and look forward to how I can serve You in the coming year. Man I love you. I had no idea how great this could be. 

Love, Beth 

Week 51 --- Luke 2:33-35

This child marks both the failure and
the recovery of many in Israel,
A figure misunderstood and contradicted—the pain of a sword-thrust through you—
But the rejection will force honesty,
as God reveals who they really are.

Ok team, I am dangerously close to leaving this 52 verse adventure hanging because I can't think of anything insightful to say about week 51.... I am soooooo prone to leaving things unfinished, which I'll tell you about next week, so I'm going to just duke this out and see what happens :)

This past Christmas I was really trying to figure out who Jesus was --- which I have a pretty good idea, but scripture is full of things that I had no idea were even in there, so I like to be on the look out. 

One thing that stuck out is the term Immanuel -- God with us. Do you think he could have accomplished His will in Heaven without coming to be with us? Absolutely. Did he do it anyway? Yes. And he would have done that just for me. I'm so overwhelmed with the fact that after everything I have done and everything I'll probably still do, God still wants to be with me. He wants to know what I think. He wants to know my heart. Just crazy. God with us. 

This scripture I thought was particularly interesting. It's Simeon's blessing over Jesus. "This child marks both the failure and the recovery of many in Israel..." I am so blessed to be sitting on the recovery side of this statement. My church just started offering a program called Celebrate Recovery and I could not be more proud to attend a church that welcomes people that struggle. I've been thinking a lot about the phrase celebrate recovery and it really is something to celebrate. We celebrate birthdays every year, and what have we really done to accomplish that? Now recovery....standing on the other side of something that had complete control over you, and walking victoriously...that is something to celebrate. If you have found yourself in a place in life where some sin had a complete and utter stronghold on you, you know what I mean. It is only by being broken and accepting grace that we allow Jesus to rescue us from our messes. It makes me want to put my hands up in the air and praise Him for where I am today versus where I was a few years ago. I was talking with a friend about the woman who was caught in adultery and thrown before Jesus. She asked me if I was that woman, would I still look back and feel guilty about the things that I had done? I said yes for sure I would, but what would stick out in my mind the most was that crazy day where I should have been stoned and that man saved me. It just makes me smile thinking of this woman cleaning her house or going about her work and just shaking her head wondering if that really happened to her? 

Grace is hard to accept isn't it? It's so hard for us to fathom that not only do we struggle to believe it for ourselves, but we withold it from others for the same reason. I know I've said this on this blog before, but when I was just stuck in sin, I was talking with a friend and I remember telling her that if grace really is real, then it is just too good to be true. Especially for someone like me. But here's the thing ---- that is when I really started to understand Jesus more, a little bit anyway. Grace is so so so much more than we deserve, and the moment we start to wrap our minds around that, is when we start to see how much Jesus loves us. While we were still trying to get our act together, while we were still trying to be good enough, while we were still choosing to live a life full of sin, while we were still 'fill in your blank', Christ died for us.

I think we struggle to offer Grace to others also, in that our churches are full of people keeping secrets because they fear what will happen to them if they tell. I don't know how people determine that they are in a place to judge others, but man does it happen. Sometimes I find myself judging people for judging people if that makes sense?

I'm both encouraged and fearful of the statement "But the rejection will force honesty, as God reveals who they really are." I pray daily that God will change my heart to be more like His, but an all out revealing of who I really am....yikes... I don't want that on the front page of anything. However here's the other part, I have been deeply hurt by someone in my past and I often wonder what happens about that. This could be way out in left field but see if you can get this with me... I know that God forgives all sins, and I know that that even includes the ones that were done to me. So as much as I want justice and some sort of finality to that, I know that I am part of a faith that offers grace and forgiveness to everyone. But still. What about that stuff that was done to me, that no one is sorry about, and that not a lot of people are even aware happened. I feel like this verse encourages me to know that Jesus sees a persons true heart and how they accept and offer His grace really does reveal who they really are.... I don't know if any of that makes sense, just some thoughts running through my head.

This whole post has gotten pretty heavy.

Let me lighten things up by sharing some of the other things I find running through my head on this random Wednesday in January :)

I need one of these buttons in the real life...

"There are no more possible moves. What do you want to do?" Particularly in regards to relationships. I just need a button to pop up and say, "Seriously, you have done enough, and there are really no more moves, you should walk away". Hahaha, this probably could apply to a lot in my life.

I'm also making a mental list of things that I have no idea how I ever lived without them.

Pandora. Seriously. I'm not a big enough fan to pay for the service yet, but I have this on probably every moment that I'm in my apt. What did I do before??

Keurig Coffee. It's quick. It's simple. It's made for one person. I had a k-cup sized hole in my heart that has now been filled.

Allrecipes.com --- do you guys use this? Here's how this goes. I type into the search engine whatever it is I want, and then I sort the results by how many people have commented on it. My thinking is that if 1,000 people take the time to say something nice about a recipe, it's probably pretty good. This plan is working. I have found some amazing stuff, including the Creme Brulee Cheesecake bars seen here. 

I've also been thinking a lot about people's understanding of Redemption and what Women's ministry looks like in any given church. But I'm going to save these topics for later. 

I'm hoping your January finds you content with the slower time of the year and anticipating what all might happen in the coming months. Hope everyone is doing well out there. Love to you all. Beth  

Week 50 --- Psalm 27:13

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

I have to give you a preview of what I want to do in 2011 -- which is pretty much all coming from God's speaking to me through this verse. I'm interested in confidence. I'd like to get some at some point in my life. :) Do you know that there is nothing in God's word that would lead any of us to believe that we should be insecure about anything? Confident. I'm in.

I have a dear friend that has challenged herself to memorize the book of Philippians. That's big. But when I heard her talk about it, I got to thinking that I really carry some baggage around in my mind. Like a lot of it. And what better way to replace it, than to literally shove it out by filling it with an entire book of the Bible? I thought about this a lot, and tried to think of a book I could memorize over the next year and didn't really come up with anything specific. What I did do is read Psalm 27 at some point everyday, kind of accidentally and not with any purpose in mind. Surely this isn't an accident? So I've decided to commit this chapter to memory. There are 13 verses and the passage that I selected as week 50 here is the bookend on the tail end of the chapter. I am on day 2 and loving it. I have some time at work where I don't talk to anyone, and I am alone with my thoughts. I have got to assume you have moments like this in your day too? I have been repeating my memorization over and over in my head. Especially in moments when I'm tempted to dwell or stress on something, instead I say "the Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom should I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" You had better believe I just typed that from memory! Hallelujah. Check this out -- I can keep going: "When evil men advance against me to devour me, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall" And that's all I got so far, and I may have had to double check that last part and correct it, but still! I'm liking it!

I've been thinking a lot about this past year. And I've also noticed that it is pretty much a socially-expected norm on a blog to post a year in review of sorts. I'm not quite ready to do that, but I have been thinking back a lot and want to share some things. I said a few posts back that I often find myself starting a new year just wanting do things differently, but this year I do think that I have some things that I am proud of from this past year. One of which is God zapping almost every ounce of pride right out of me--- So without being prideful, I want to do a little boasting in the Lord.

1. I helped a friend build something. Sometimes I get pretty down on myself for not accomplishing more. My job is pretty simple and I often wonder if I should be doing something different or taking more risks. For me personally, I have not done anything huge recently, but I have been there for my friends that have.

My good friend started a business this past year, and I have felt priviledged to be someone she can count on. It's been a long go of it for her, but I have loved serving her and her family by helping out. It's kept me busy on days that I had too much time on my hands to dwell on unnecessary things, and has given me a family here in Omaha that I dearly love.

2. I got help. There is a time to throw up the white flag my friends, and for me that was this past year. I found a woman who counseled me with scripture and helped me discover God in new ways. Dena spoke scriptures to me that showed me how the Bible brings healing. Admitting that you don't have it all together is a huge step. Or in my case a very very very huge step. God broke my heart and has put it back together in new ways that I am forever grateful.

3. Took a step in faith. My dad started a new ministry. And when he first mentioned it to me I was pretty fearful. But I had just spent a week in Mexico where they had been singing this song that I could not stop thinking about. The song is called La Montana and its message is that if you, in faith, say to a mountain move, it will move. And the way that they sing this song, I truly believe they could do it. My dad's ministry is to International Students and I think the next 10 years are going to be full of extra seats set at holiday dinners for people from other countries. I am blessed to be a part of this. Blessed. 

These are some Korean students making Gim-Bop, a sushi-esque dish in my parent's kitchen.

These are a few pics from the graduation reception my family hosted for our Korean family member, Jaekuen.

4. Stop drinking out of the Don't Panic mug. This mug is pictured in my little Blog Banner and I really do love it --- but in the past year I have made it to a place where my best attempt at life is stronger than to simply not panic.

Does that make sense? I hope so. I have lived in the grip of anxiety for a long time. But I think there's more out there for me than just living a life absent of fear. God provides. I know this. I bought that mug for the message and I thought that it was just an individual gem --- well come to find out it's part of a set. What message will I "drink out of" this year? I can't wait to decide. A life where fear does not plague you offers you TONS more options. ****If you're drinking out of the Don't Panic mug still, I love you to death, and I know what it's like-- There is hope and healing in Jesus and He never intended for you to live like that, email me if you need more direction in scripture to come out of this!  

5. Get it out into the Light! I love this Blog. It might be what I'm most proud of from the past year. Scripture meditation was something I had read one thing about and somehow decided I wanted to try--- 52 weeks later here I am --- feeling privileged to have spent that time seeking Him in His word. If you are one of the people that reads this blog, I am so so thankful for you. You encourage me just by letting me know I can ramble off some thoughts and someone might get something out of it. Oh I'm thankful for you. It helps me understand things if I can write them out, and you have helped me discover that. I officially have 4 followers, and two of them are Jeanne. I absolutely love it. :)

6. I made friends with Esther. I think I always knew scripture was a critical part of my faith, but it never came alive to me like it did this past year studying Esther. I feel like I know her, and I feel like I lived life in those pages of my Bible. I shared with some friends that finishing that book and moving the little ribbon thing out of the pages was a sad thing for me --- I didn't want it to end. Isn't it amazing that the same God that gave Esther courage and wit is the same God that gives me strength? It blows my mind. I am forever grateful for Esther's place in history and how I needed to discover it in the year 2010, for such a time as this. Gives me chills.

7. Embracing Mercy. God's mercy surrounds us so much and I'm pretty convinced we have no idea how much we are spared from things. I watched my mom hug a woman's whose son committed suicide on Tuesday this week. We had never met this woman but my brother was good friends with Hans. My mother, full of a tender grace that she has been blessed with, brought this woman a meal and offered her sympathies.

I stood and stared thinking how I would feel if a stranger brought soup to my mom if she was in this situation and it just broke my heart. God thank you for being the protector of my family. Help me to pray for salvation over safety everyday.

8. Grow a Backbone. I found myself in situations this past year that absolutely required me to determine who I am. I am a hot mess. :) Fully knowing that I have no power to save myself and that Jesus is the stronghold of my life is so so clear to a person that doesn't have it all together. I would not trade this perspective for anything.

 I mentioned that God has zapped quite a bit of pride out of me and it has left me with a heart for people that also aren't perfect. I love people that are real --- people that are down in the trenches of real issues and owning it --- who are we trying to fool here? We've got problems. Let's get them out into the light and help each other.

9. I told the truth. Whoa Nelly. If you are one of my friend's that stood by me through this I am so so thankful for you. You are my cloud of witnesses and encouraged me to throw off everything that hinders and run this stinking race. Hallelujah!

10. Speaking of my Cloud of Witnesses.... I am so blessed with women (and a few men) in my life that love Jesus and challenge me in my journey. 

They are who I find myself going through life with and I love them dearly. The cloud has expanded to include a Sunday night Bible study of women that cross my mind all the time. I have loved sharing and growing and just being with these ladies. They are precious to me, and challenge me to a new level of faith that I am just starting to explore.  

I remain confident, that I have seen the goodness of God in 2010 and will continue to discover Him in new crazy ways in 2011. I cannot wait.